I Love Staplers

A Mongolian friend and I have been trying to organize a trip to China for the past week. We've been running around in train stations, banks and travel agency offices in an attempt to do the impossible: go to China (usually an overnight trip, a trip for which Mongolians generally don't even need a visa).
This morning I attempted to clear the final obstacle: getting my Chinese visa. Once I had the visa I could immediately run down to the travel agency office, where the trilingual guru agent would buy all my tickets for the pleasantly low fee of $10.

I stood in line at the Chinese embassy, listening to the soft sound of Mandarin Chinese being spoken.

I suddenly realized that I had never heard Mandarin Chinese being spoken in an excited or passionate tone, since almost all of my experience with the dialect had come while waiting in lines. I had heard Cantonese spoken with great passion many times, but not Mandarin. Mandarin was inextricably and permanently linked to bureaucracy in my mind.

And it is now linked more strongly.

As I waited, I looked at the sign announcing visa fees:

Mongolians: Single entry (valid for three months)
$43
Americans: Single entry (valid for three months)
$130
Other: Single entry (valid for three months)
$30
Express fee (ready in 2-3 business days): $20
Rush fee (ready in 1 business day, pick up at 4:00 pm): $30

The notes continued:
All fees must be paid in new edition (after 1996) US dollars.

This did not trouble me. It was unfair, it was arbitrary, it was painfully expensive, but it made sense. The logic seemed to be "If you have money, you give it to us". It was a simple transaction that was easily understood; annoying, but not evil.
I continued reading the posted bulletins. There were only about 15 people in line, but the line was moving at the rate of about 1 person every five minutes, so I had a while to wait.
One bulletin had 16 passport style pictures arranged in a 4 X 4 block. I stared at them. What on earth were they for? I looked at the headings in Mongolian, Chinese, and finally English.
"Examples of unacceptable pictures"
I looked back at the group of pictures. One was faded, one had a dark shadow, one had a paperclip over it, one had bad lighting.... but the other twelve?
I concentrated on the first one, comparing it to the posted example of a "good" photo. It took me a while. Finally I realized that the man in the picture was slightly off center, so that his shoulders were shifted about an inch to the left.

okay....... I can see how that could keep you from recognizing someone. The edge of one's shoulder plays a crucial role in the brain's identification of faces.

I tackled the next one. It too looked normal. I stared at it for a minute, then gave up and read the caption. "Glasses obscuring eyes". I looked back at the photo. The man was indeed wearing glasses. The person in the example was not. I looked at my photo, and saw that I was wearing glasses in it. No one else had cared, but then again why should the actions of one embassy be precedent for another? (That, by the way, was not sarcasm. Just about everything else is).

I looked at the next photo. After about two minutes I gave up, as I was distracted by a discussion between the official and the two visa applicants currently at the head of the line. I decided to put down the failure of the third photo as "does not look sufficiently Chinese", since that too was a trend between the bad photos and the example. Why a Chinese person would need to apply for a Chinese visa, I don't know.

The discussion at the head of the line continued:

"No, no, it's fine. It was accepted at the Russian embassy". The man was perhaps fifty years old, of average height, with gray hair and a rather bumpy nose. He seemed to speak with a vaguely British accent, but since I can't tell the difference between a British person with a vaguely British accent and Dutch person with a vaguely British accent, this meant little. The man's wife stood beside him, also looking fiftyish and vaguely British.

The official spoke into his microphone from behind the thick, bullet proof glass. He was also attempting to use a vaguely British accent, but since he slurred his R's he sounded like a vaguely British person who was drunk in a rather concrete and definable fashion.
"I'm sorry, I can't accept this passport" he said. His voice was calm and measured; polite in it's refusal in the same way that a solid concrete wall is polite in it's refusal to make way for an oncoming truck.

The vaguely British man tried again. "We have already bought our tickets. This passport has been accepted at every other embassy I've gone to, I don't have time to get another one".
He was, I thought, astoundingly calm and polite, as if he was discussing the nature of the universe and the definition of "passport" with an old friend.

The official said again "I'm sorry sir, I can't accept this passport. See? this page is bent."

The man's wife spoke. "We're going to see our children. We don't have enough time to get a new passport and we can't cancel our tickets".

Without looking up the official said "I'm sorry, I can't accept this passport.

I started getting the odd feeling that I was watching someone slowly, calmly, and patiently attempt to explain the taste of pizza to a stapler. The stapler continued:

"If you are able to get a new passport, then come back on Friday and pay the rush fee. I can issue you a visa then."

The man and his wife discussed this briefly and agreed that they would do that. They then thanked the official and left.

I found it odd that they had thanked the man, but quickly decided it was downright classy. I was not classy, but I did have a little secret.

I stepped up to the window and pushed my documents underneath it. The man picked up my application form and glanced over it. "I need to see your tickets and hotel reservation" he said.
"I'm traveling by train and bus, so I can't get round trip tickets, and I'm staying with friends, so I don't have a reservation" I said. "I can give you the address and phone number of the place where I'll be staying if you like".
"You are staying with Chinese friends?" he asked.
"Yes" I replied.
"Then you will need them to fax you a signed invitation. It must have a signature. Remember to have round trip tickets with you when you come back. Also, your glasses have glare in this picture, you need a new picture for your application."

I smiled happily, thanked the man, and left the embassy grinning. I didn't have to go to China! There was absolutely no way I could possibly obtain round trip tickets, a new photo, and a signed letter of invitation in the next two days, so the matter was settled. I didn't HAVE to spend $700 for one day in Beijing, one of the most unpleasant cities on earth. I didn't HAVE to worry about how to coordinate train schedules and bus schedules. I didn't HAVE to spend 34 hours on trains and buses bouncing through dust storms in the Gobi desert.

To be perfectly honest, I hadn't wanted to go to China since I had learned that the trip by bus takes two days instead of one. This would mean we would only be able to spend one day actually DOING things (and half of that would be spent buying return tickets). Because of this I had been somewhat reluctant to pay $700 for the whole thing. I had, however, continued on with the process because my Mongolian friend had already gone through all the trouble of getting her documents in order, and I didn't want to cancel the trip on her just because I was cheap. Now I had another excuse: it was absolutely impossible for me to get a visa, because it is absolutely impossible to buy round trip tickets for a trip by train and bus. You have to physically BE there to buy bus tickets. I'll try to make it up to her.

Note to foreigners: despite the fact that going by train and bus is $110 cheaper (one way) than taking the train all the way, it is nearly impossible to get a visa since you can't show the embassy round trip tickets. The travel agency said many people have this problem, even when they go by train all the way. Fortunately, round trip plane tickets to Beijing are the same price as round trip train tickets ($360), so there's really no reason to take the train any more.