Coming soon from the bowels of hell! (rated 7/10)

There are many levels of bad. There's slightly annoying, mindlessly evil, maliciously evil, and "....?".
My washing machine belongs to the "....?" group.
The first time I washed my clothes, I was disappointed in the results. The clothes were clean, after a fashion. That is to say, smell and stains had been removed, but they were covered in a fine layer of lint. Light clothes were covered in black lint, and dark clothes were covered in white lint.
"oh" you say. "But of course that's what it looked like, light lint only shows up on dark clothes, and vice versa."
Oh really? Not so. I carefully removed lint from said clothes, and found that the white clothes had indeed been covered only in black lint, and the dark clothes in white. There was something truly evil at work in my bathroom. I imagined the washing machine directing the whole process as it sat there humming and thumping in my bathroom.
"Hurry! Shred the socks! Ok, now white lint on the black dress shirt, dark lint on the khaki pants! Make sure to twist everything and turn it all inside out!"
The next load I did was worse. Like the first time, I found all my clothes had been covered in lint, but this time the lint was thicker. On top of that, stains had not been removed. Even minor stains, such as spots from a mud puddle that had splattered my pants, were still there. However, the thing that revealed the truly malicious and evil intent of the washing machine was my pants. The washing machine had eaten my pants.
Apparently the pants were not to the machine's liking, for it spat them back out again (this is how I have retained the pants as evidence), but not before it had torn a gash right down the pants leg.
How does that even happen? I think my washing machine has been sent to me from the bowels of hell, armed with razor sharp teeth which it uses to shred my clothing, tearing it thread from thread.
I followed the theme of my life: "when all else fails, assume you're an idiot". I carefully considered the possibilities, and concluded that I must have overloaded the washing machine. I did another load, this time filling the washing machine only half full. The results appeared to be encouraging, in that no black lint covered my clothing. I was filled with joy, until I realized this was due to the fact that I had not included any dark clothes in the load. I inspected the clothes. Sure enough, stains remained. On top of that, the washing machine had torn a hole in the seat of my only pair of jeans.

Bowels of hell I tell you, bowels of hell.

So... umm, does anyone have some advice on how I may keep my clothing both clean and intact? I'm open to any theories, because Brandon uses the same washing machine, so I can test them when he does his laundry.